


Darkens The Sun

by LadyHawke361



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: AU of Dislocated Souls (With permission from Author), Diary/Journal, Explicit Language, Gender or Sex Swap, Modern Character in Thedas, Past Abuse, Waurning Triggers Possible
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-24 23:20:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13821594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyHawke361/pseuds/LadyHawke361
Summary: This is the story of a teenage girl who had a Big Sister she knew as Chrysopal or Chrissy for short. But then things changed and she found herself in a new and terrifying place. A place she soon learned that she was not so scared of after all because she had become something to fear! She had become a Qunari warrior!





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LonelyAgain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAgain/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Dislocated Souls](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7147562) by [LonelyAgain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAgain/pseuds/LonelyAgain). 



> I love the Dislocated Souls series by LonelyAgain, and someone commented wondering what it would be like if someone was brought to Thedas as the wrong gender. Here is my answer to that question.
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys this fanfic set in the world of Dislocated Souls!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last few entries into Beau's Journal, that is now all but destroyed, back in her house in Virginia...

Prologue

**Journal Entry 45: January 31, 2016**

    Our teacher assigned us a project to write about our lives and our plans for the future. I guess I will gather my thoughts for that paper here in my Journal. It really is the safest place to tell the truth of my life. I may have even let Chrissy read this version of my paper, only I can’t… because like Mother she is dead and no one knows it but me and my Father... The paper I eventually turn in will have to be written from whole cloth because my Father would never accept me sharing the truth of my life with the world.  Anyway Journal, here it is my life… and my dreams for the future...

    I was born March 21st, 2000 and named Beatrix Beauregard Cavendish. I hate that name. I was six weeks premature and mother worked tirelessly to make sure I would live to see each successive birthday. I know she loved me. She named me Beatrix after her late Grandmother, who she claimed I looked like. But I’ll never really know as her Grandmother’s pictures are faded black and whites. I do know she had dark hair like me. But eye color is really hard to guess in old black and whites, that are now so faded.

    My Father is the one who added Beauregard to my name and frankly that is the name I hate the most, however it gave me the nickname most people call me.  Beau. I like Beau, it’s short and easy to remember. Even Father calls me that… Which at times is rather disconcerting.

    Life has been a shit-storm (sorry Chrissy, but it’s true) for me, even from an early age. Verbal abuse. Check. Physical abuse. Check. Well that came about more after my Mother died… oh wait… I should say after Mother abandoned me to Father’s care. That is the official story anyway. Sexu...er don’t want to think about that… Neglect. Check. So yeah the shit-storm.  I guess I’ve come out of okay all things considered.

    Mother died when I was around age 5 and Father had a friend who helped him cover up her death.  At age 8 that friend of Father’s was found accepting bribes from local criminals, you know low level thugs and even playing enforcer for some higher ranking criminal types. The guy’s a major creep. I don’t like him yet I can’t say anything.

    Anyway when he was caught Father started moving us around the country, a lot. I think his main fear was the guy would sell my Father out for murdering my Mother. But Father didn’t get that the guy would never do that cause as an accessory to murder (which is worse than all his other crimes put together) would have landed him a life sentence. As it was I think he got away with a slap on the wrist. Five years… that is nothing. Then again he WAS a cop and had put some criminal types away regardless of all the bribes he took.

    He got out the year I turned 13, which was also the year we settled in Virginia, near my Mother’s Father. He is a good man. He could tell that something was wrong. That I was not the happy-go-lucky child/teen he thought I should be.  I figure he guessed it had something to do with my Father, his not so worthwhile son-in-law. I didn’t know right away, but Grandfather hired a Private Investigator to check out my Father and his friends.  You see my Father’s corrupt cop friend moved to Virginia too, once he was released from prison. He was to serve his parole  in Virginia. He actually moved in with Father and I.

    Grandfather had noticed his already quiet granddaughter had become much more quiet with the new man in the house.  Whatever the PI told Grandfather made him angry and he told my Father that if he wanted to keep the status quo he (meaning my Father) would let me sign up for the Big Sister’s program. I think Father realized he was caught between a rock and a very hard place. Within the week Grandfather gave him the ultimatum I was signed up for the Big Sister’s program.

    That is where I met Chrysopal or Chrissy. She was so good to me. She would take me shopping or to the movies with her little girl. I think the almost two years I spent with Chrissy were the happiest I had ever had. Even though my Father and his friend continued to abuse me…

    Chrissy and I also played a free MMO those days Father let me have computer access. It was perhaps not my most favorite game but it gave us a chance to talk. It was called Star Trek Online. I had a Klingon Officer named Bro’tak Kilgor. While Chrissy played an alien race that was apart of the Klingon Empire.  But our greatest passion was for the Dragon Age Series of games.  We both played all three games with Inquisition being our favorite game in the series.

    As the months turned into a year and a half, I guess Chrissy had started the process of suing for custody of me. I never told her the things my Father and his friend did to me, but I think she could see more than the things I actually said to her. I think she figured out the things I left unsaid. It was March 21st, 2015. The day I turned 15, that was the day my Father invited Chrissy over to our house to talk things out.  I really should have told her not to come. Should have told her he was dangerous, but I was too scared.

    I was right to be scared. Father hide behind the door and had me open in when Chrissy knocked.  I ushered her in and sadly to her death. Father took a heavy vase to the back of her skull, knocking her out. Then like Mother he beat her to death. His friend again helped cover up her murder. I never did learn where her little girl was sent after her disappearance.

    I have spent the last year hating myself and wishing that I had spoken up. Wishing I had had the courage to protect Chrissy from the monster that was my Father. I’m the one he should have killed, then Chrissy’s little girl would still have her Mama. I’m such a waste of space. I almost wish I had never been born… Or that I had been born a boy. Then Father would have loved me. I miss Chrissy so much! It was like losing my Mother all over again. I despise my Father.

 

** Journal Entry 46: February 1st, 2016 **

    Someone has been in my room while I was at school. I think someone may have gotten to this journal. If so I could be in deep trouble. I’m going to have to be more careful over the next few days. I just hope it was not my Father… Well I’ve got to get back to writing my paper for school. I’ll come back and write more later.

 

**(The handwriting has changed and the person did not add an Entry number or the date.)**

     That damn little bitch had to go write most of our families little secrets in this here notebook. Ha now she won’t be telling ANYBODY anything. Little slut! She should have known better. Now I’m keeping this here notebook and I’m going to burn it one page at a time tell all evidence is gone!

    Though I must admit this is a fairly nice way to let off some steam. Should I have tried this before I went overboard and killed my wife and that interfering female? Maybe. But I’m not worried about it any more the only witnesses have been dealt with.  Sorry Dan you were a liability I could no longer accept.  

    Well notebook, time for us to leave this popsicle stand. I’ll find a new life somewhere far away. Maybe Mexico. Yeah Mexico would be good...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-work of my Story, 'Shadow's Blight'. After re-reading that and thinking more about Beau I decided that it needed to almost totally be re-written. So this is the introduction to my MCiT who ends up a Dislocated Soul.
> 
> Edited on 3-6-18 to correct a location.


	2. Journal Entry 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau’s recollections on the first few days or so in Thedas… New body... new line of work... Oh boy!

Journal Entry 1: (Thedosian Date: Unknown)

     Hello new journal, my name is Beau. Or rather I have introduced myself to this world as Bro’tak, a name Chrissy would remember if only she were here in Thedas with me. (Also I do have a reason I decided to use that name and I’ll share it in a bit.) It has taken me awhile to find something to journal in. I have been stuck here in Orlais for almost a month, I have no idea how I got here but I have pieced enough together that I know the time when the Inquisition forms is almost here, if it has not already formed. I would not be surprised if the Inquisition was already starting to restore order in the Ferelden Hinterlands. Oh I think perhaps I should start at the beginning, if for no one else's sake but my own.

     I was born in the United States of America. In a state called Michigan. I am or I should say I was a young woman, who dealt with a lot of mental and emotional abuse.  Although... they weren’t the only kinds of abuses I suffered. Right now I’m not quite ready to write about what else I suffered, I may never be ready...

     My Father ~~was~~ … is a cruel man who enjoyed drinking, when he was drunk his nature went from verbally cruel to physically cruel in the blink of an eye. One day in a violent, drunken rage he began beating my Mother and he never stopped, until she took her last shuddering breath and the light of life left her eyes.  When he realized he had killed her, he saw that I had witnessed his violent act. He made it abundantly clear that if I told anyone he would kill me too. Of course I believed him. I mean he had just killed the only person I _knew_ who loved me and wanted me around. Even if I was a worthless, useless girl child that could not carry on the family name. This happened shortly after my 5th birthday. I really hate my birthday...

     On my 16th birthday, March 21, 2016. My Father smirked at me and told me he knew all about my journal and all the secrets I had written in it. Before I could flee he grabbed me throwing me into a wall. Once I was stunned the beating began in front of Dan, my Father’s ex-cop friend who was serving parole in Virginia and living with my Father and I. The beating didn’t stop until I was lying motionless on the floor, bleeding severely. I remember my Father asking Dan for his handgun, the one he purchased illegally after moving in with us. Dan gave him the gun and Father promptly shot him in the left temple at point blank range. Then he turned to me and hit me in the head with the butt of the gun. Before I blacked out completely I felt the muzzle of the gun pressed into my temple. I don’t think I can go back home, even if I want to... because I’m pretty sure I am dead there.

     Anyway back to my current predicament, when I woke up I found myself lying in a meadow of tall grass and flowers. Upon sitting up I could see a large city off in the distance. I also felt rather strange, but could not take my eyes off the gleaming city.

     Perhaps I should tell you what I looked like before I arrived in that meadow... I was a sixteen year old **_human_ ** girl, I stood just 4’ 10” tall. I had been born premature and I didn’t get enough nutrients to have proper growth spurts. I had long raven-black hair that fell to my low back and large yellow-green eyes, due to the lack of proper nutrition I considered myself to have the proportions of an Elf as described by the creators of the Dragon Age series of games.

     As I took further stock of myself, I realized my skin was an odd shade of grayish gold, almost a copper and my hands were huge. There was also a terrible weight on my head. Reaching up I felt curving horns that had been coated in a smooth glossy metal, fear began to churn in my stomach because looking down at myself, I realized that I was very much male. Needless to say I started to panic. I stood up intent on finding a reflective surface so I could see what I looked like. It was then I realized I was much taller than my original 4’ 10” height. I was, at a guess somewhere between 7 and 8 feet tall.  I was seriously freaking out! Not only was I contending with a full blown panic attack, I was finding my own body unwieldy. I tripped over my own feet on the relatively flat grasslands, however I could feel the POWER in this body! I truly felt like a lumbering hulk! I remember thinking that this was so unfair. I was used to my light, quick body. Though I have to admit that just because I had been quick back on Earth, that had not meant that I could get myself out of all dangers. I stopped trying to run and took several deep breaths before heading into the lightly forested area I could see, I needed to find a small pond because I needed to  know what I looked liked.

     It took me several minutes of searching before I finally found a pond a little way into the forest, and I dropped to my knees and leaned over it. Yep, I was definitely a male **_Qunari_** , right out of Dragon Age Inquisition. As I studied my new form I realized I looked just like my male Qunari Inquisitors from my most recent playthrough of Dragon Age Inquisition. The one I named after my Klingon Captain in Star Trek Online. Bro’tak. So I decided that was the name I would give the people of Thedas. It sounded rough enough to be a good Vashoth name. I was very glad I did not have the anchor as I was not sure I could handle _that_ responsibility. My horns curved back and then forward to almost be in front of my face, they were very thick at the base and tapering to small points, that had been sharpened to deadly points by being encased in a smooth flowing metal that was polished to a high sheen. My hair was not the same raven black as I was used to, but sort of a silver gray that had been gathered into a small bun or knot at the back of my broad skull.. The skin around my horns was almost tinged an obsidian black, which made my coppery skin seem much lighter than it actually was. My eyes were however the same shade of yellow/green I was used to. I also looked to be older than my 16 years of age. Definitely an adult, no doubt about that, considering my 5 o'clock shadow... _How the hell do I pull off being an adult male when I'm was just a 16 year old girl inside?_

     I must have blacked out due to the shock of my situation. I found myself curled up near the pond sometime late, it was almost completely dark out, though the two moons were just rising. I had no idea what I was going to do. Where I was going to stay. What work I was even qualified for. Though I prayed that this body would have muscle memory for some occupation. I mean Bro’tak had been a two-handed warrior in my game. Would I have similar abilities now that I am a Qunari? I would have to test that theory out.

     I remember sitting there thinking about... How to pull off acting like a male… and not just any male. A male freaking Vashoth! I am so freaking shy under normal circumstances, however these were definitely NOT normal circumstances! I also figured I have to be in Thedas.  Though I had no idea what time period I was in, Dragon Age Origins, Dragon Age II, or Dragon Age: Inquisition. This too I needed to figure out, if I wanted to stay alive long enough. One thing I did know, I did **not** want to go home, I’d rather die here than go back to the abuse my Father and his friends were subjecting me to.

     I also knew that no one was going to be able to hurt me the way my Father and his friends did. I think I actually love this form! I had become what my _dearest_ Father had always wanted, and if I was utterly honest with myself, what I had secretly dreamed of. I was now a male. I remember grinning because I am now a male that could beat the shit out of my old man if we were to ever meet again, and that’s a **HUGE** if!

     My first night was difficult, I didn’t have any weapons or armor. Just my fists and horns, though I’m not sure if the Qunari actually use their horns in combat. Whatever I'm going to fight anyway I have to, to survive. Once I actually did realize I was in Thedas (which actually clicked when I realized I was Kossith.) I got excited, this is my favorite fantasy world with a rich history. I felt certain I could make up a history for myself that would pass muster if I was ever questioned by anyone like Leliana or Varric. When I got to the city I saw in the distance I learned I was in Orlais, at the Capitol, Val Royeaux. Shocker! Not, come to think of it.

     As I was standing in Val Royeaux, which of course is a heck of a lot bigger than what we see in the game. It is a huge city, the market is much bigger, so too are the docks. The estates you visit to recruit both Sera and Vivienne are apart of Val Royeaux, so if you remember how far out the estates were on your ingame map you get an idea of how large the actual city is. Remember too that Val Royeaux also has the largest Elven alienage in Southern Thedas.

     Upon finding a tavern I was able to learn of recent major events. I learned that the fifth Blight had taken place in Ferelden, and that the Mage/Templar war had been ignited by the events that took place in Kirkwall. I guess I’m in the period of the Inquisition, though the Conclave has not happened yet, though there is a lot of talk about what Divine Justinia hopes to accomplish with the Conclave. I suppose I should make my way to Haven however I really don’t want to chance ending up the Hearld. I think I’ll stick around Val Royeaux for a while. I think I need to learn how to properly use this body to defend myself!

     I also found out that I was not the only  Vashoth in Val Royeaux either. There was a Tal Vashoth Mercenary company there as well. I ended up meeting their Captain while in the tavern, his name was Shokrakar.

     Shokrakar was the Captain of the Valo-Kas. He took me with him to their barracks within  Val Royeaux, where I was introduced to some of the crew. I was surprised that I stood a bit taller that the average Vashoth in the company, I was also more heavily muscled. I guess I had the look Shokrakar wanted. I remember he said, “A giant among giants!”

     Then he offered me a place within the Valo-Kas, I accepted.  I figured I would need capital to get to Haven. Also if I was going to be here in Southern Thedas anyway, I’d offer my services to the Inquisition when the time came. But first I needed to learn to fight and to kill....

     My Father always said, “It's survival of the fittest,” in this form I was very fit, no more petite little girl, but a huge male, who hopefully would be able to mop the floor with anyone who wanted to try to hurt those I want to protect… Not that my almost Mama is here too… God I miss Chrissy...


	3. Journal Entry 2 & 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next week or three along with the backstory given to Shokrakar, leader of the Valo-Kas mercenary group. Betrayal and promotion. Whichever God is listening, HELP ME! Please?

Journal Entry 2: (Thadosian Date:  The next day) 

    When Shokrakar found out I had little in the way of battle experience, it didn’t seem to bother him. He basically said, “Good, that means there are no bad habits for you to unlearn!” He ended up calling over a set of twin Vashoth, whose familial name is Adaar, the oldest is a male named Nazan (a duel wielding rogue), his younger sister's name is Ozenet (a Mage). They were given order’s to get me started on learning my weapon of choice, and something told me that a two-handed weapon would be my best bet, and would utilized the shear strength this form gave me.

    I was taken to the Valo-Kas armory to pick a weapon. I went straight to the two-handed weapons. I ran the fingers of my left hand over the shafts of the weapons as I walked down the line. Until I felt a tingle. Stopping I remember looking at the weapon It was a huge Maul made of rock and bone with what I think were dragonling teeth as decorations around the head of the maul. It truly looked fearsome. I tightened my right hand around the bone shaft, picking it up with more ease than I thought possible. Giving it a few swings I nodded in satisfaction. I could easily picture this weapon pulverizing any enemy that stood in my way.

    I spent the next couple of weeks learning how to wield this monstrosity of a weapon, to  Shokrakar’s delight. We held a practice skirmish the unit I was in and another Valo-Kas unit. My unit won hands down. Though I was not the ‘leader’ I called out suggestions to the other members as we fought, my mind grasping the tactics of the situation that Shokrakar had set up for the test. Because they listened we routed the other team in under fifteen minutes. Which the boss liked even if the other team grumbled.

    I was shocked to hear the unit captain and Shokrakar both comment on my tactical abilities. I merely shrugged and gave the excuse that I had played a lot of chess growing up. Of course that just made Shokrakar laugh as he slapped me on the back.

We spent a lot of the time I was in training discussing many things that came with the mercenaries life. I truly believe in what Shokrakar told me, “When we take a contract we **_never_** break it for any reason. Vashoth have had a hard enough time being viewed as honest **_people_**. Too often we are judged to be nothing more than violent beasts that will change sides on a whim.  We don’t need to give others more reason to fear us!”

When the unit I was apart of was given the assignment to go to the Exalted Plains I was actually surprised he gave me lead on the mission. Me a guy, heh, who had only seen a few practice skirmishes. I’m not knocking **_him_ ** , I’m mocking me, the most worthless, useless child (and only child) in my family.  Perhaps I should tell you what I told Captain Shokrakar when he asked me about my past...

* * *

“Bro’tak, you’ve been with us a few weeks now and you're getting damn good with that two-handed maul of yours. I’d really like to know how you never learned weapons-work before joining the company,” Shokrakar asked eyeing me.

“Well boss, it’s like this,” I said as I began to weave the story of my ‘past’ because no one would believe the truth if I told them…  So this is what I told Shokrakar...

“I had been born somewhere in the Free Marches, my family moved around a lot. I was the youngest of three and we travelled the length and breadth of Thedas seeking a permanent home… Eventually we found one. It was small and made up of Humans with a smattering of city Elves.

One day there was a bandit attack on the settlement, and my family were the ones thrust into the role of protectors for the village. Since I was too young, just barely 4 at the time of the attack. I was sent, with the other children, to the Chantry building as it was the most defensible.

Being placed among the other children, I quickly became the butt of their nervous jokes. They asked how old I was, and when I told them one of the older human boys… He told me that was impossible, because I was already bigger than him and he was 6. My Father had told me to never fight with Human children because I could actually easily hurt them, so when I would not rise to his bait he decided to use his fists instead. I let him pummel me, it didn’t hurt that much. The boy could not hit nearly as hard as my siblings, after all. But I figure it disturbed the Sister when she finally noticed what was going on. She was furious and gave the older boy quite scolding.

However from that point on everyone, who had witnessed what happened, considered me simple minded and slow witted, which meant that in their eyes I was pretty much useless. Meaning the only thing they thought I was any good for would be  manual labor.”

I had paused to take a breath and finish thinking through the rest of my ‘story’. I knew I would have to make it good.

“When the battle for the settlement was over and the bandits either killed or run off, I was an orphan. My parents and my two older siblings were dead, along with a handful of others who had fought to defend the village. One of the richer members in the settlement took me in, but not out of the kindness of his heart. When he looked at me, he saw raw power, and being so young... Well he saw someone he could mold into his perfect worker. I was feed in proportion to how hard I worked, thus I became a very hard worker.

By the time I turned 10, my muscles were well developed, I could carry heavier loads than a fully grown Human worker and I could easily plow his fields, pull a heavily filled wagon and scare off would be attackers with my presence alone. The plentiful food and constant exercise helped me not only bulk up and fill out but I got lots of growth spurts. They had a hard time keeping me in clothes.

The man who had taken me in, treated me more like a slave than a son. I had no problem with that, until he actually sold me to a noble in Orlais. This man owned an extensive farm in a more upscale area, and I was put to work. If I misbehaved my owner would not whip me, he would choose someone else who would not be able to handle it, thus I learned to walk the line he wanted. I didn't want to be responsible for other people's pain.

Time passed as it always does and eventually there was a bandit attack on my _owner's_ farm, I was so enraged by the way he treated me that in the confusion of the attack, I killed my owner with my bare hands. Afterwards I ran.”

Again I took a deep breath and looked Shokrakar in the eye. “About a month after that I met you in Val Royeaux,” sighing I asked, “Do you despise me now, Boss?” His answer reassured me that I had found a good place for now.

“Heck no, I’d have probably killed him much sooner than you did. Don’t worry about it. You're Valo-Kas now!”

* * *

As I had been put in charge of the unit that was to fight in the Exalted Plains, I worried some in the unit might view me as an interloper but for the most part they seemed accepting of my presence as their unit leader. Truth be told, I was not sure how long the sentiment would last however. After all I knew I had no practical experience as a unit leader. However I’ve played a crap load of strategy games and had learned to take in terrain, weather and a host of other data to set up the best wins I could with whatever troops I had.

 

Journal Entry 3: (A few weeks later) 

After several weeks in the Exalted Plains our unit quickly became known as one of the most efficient units fighting for Empress Celene, and that made Grand Duke Gaspard angry I think. So much so that Gaspard made an offer to a handful of my men, he really wanted my unit to switch sides. My unit was made up of a dozen fighters and five support staff members. The support staff stayed back at our camp, later I found out the traitors had asked the support personnel to switch sides with them. The support personnel had quietly refused to my great relief. They let the traitors believe they were with them however. Though they reported to me what was happening. Which I was very grateful for. I made a note to give the support personnel a bonus in their next pay period.

We had a very hectic battle against Gaspard men near the Eastern Ramparts. It almost became a suicide mission. I knew a number of my men wanted to switch sides and saw me as a blockade to their efforts. They had decided that killing me was their best option. Four of the other 11 men in my unit remained loyal to the Valo-Kas, so we not only had to fight off seven of our brothers in arms... we also had to deal with the attack from Gaspard’s troops.. I still don't know how I and my four men survived, but we did. The traitors were eliminated and about half of Gaspard’s men fell before the rest retreated.  It’s was the kind of skirmish I hope I never have to fight in again!

Now when I say men, I more or less mean soldiers. I.E. fighters, rogues and mages. Of the 12 there had been 5 females in my unit. Only one female stayed true. Perhaps I should introduce you to the survivors of my unit. There were the twins Nazan and Ozenet, who helped me pick out my weapon. Then there was Akinutlu and Kubaari. Both fine warriors. We definitely work well together, I hoped they would agree to remain in my unit, if I still had a unit when Shokrakar got done dressing me down for the deaths of so many in my unit.

If you have half a brain, you learn quick what is really important to a man like Shokrakar, the safety of your unit, your word, and honor followed closely by money. As he is want to say, “Remain true to your oaths, honor your brothers and sisters in arms and the money will take care of itself.”

A day after the betrayal and attack by Gaspard’s troops, Shokrakar called what remained of my unit back to Val Royeaux. We had things to discuss, or so the messenger said.

There's one other thing you should know, I can tell when someone's lying to me. I can also sense the flow of magic and sort of see the veil. At least I think I'm seeing the veil and is it ever beautiful. It seems to glow, the magic of the Fade oozing out of it slowly, to gently caresses the physical world. When someone knowingly tells an untruth the veil and the magic in the area seems to wiggle. I actually learned that when I knew the truth of an order and someone had not known I’d already been briefed.

This takes us back to the messenger, what he said about returning to Val Royeaux was the truth as far as he knew. He had been wrong, those orders lead what was left of my unit into a trap.

We were around halfway back to Val Royeaux when we were attacked by a group that looked like bandits, only they were better armed and armored than most. There were also more of them than you’d expect. We were outnumbered five to one, which also included our five support staff members. I think we all would have died if Shokrakar had not shown up with a couple of units. As it was only the Adaar twins and I survived, all three of us were badly hurt, but I kept to my feet and began examining the bodies of our fallen foes. I soon found their orders. It was bad, they had wanted to completely wipe out my unit since we had refused to join Gaspard. These were definite kill orders. I sighed handing them to the boss.

Shokrakar looked them over, “So it was a betrayal by over half your unit aye?” he asked disgustedly.

“Yeah, in part I think those who wanted to take Gaspard's money were resentful of me. The new guy given lead for this mission. Let's face it I only had practice skirmishes under my belt.” I fell silent, I had no idea how to make any of this right.

“You're blaming yourself for their greed? Stop it. You proved out there that you deserved the command I gave you, and Gaspard just proved how desperate he is to remove you. What do the two of you think of Bro’tak's ability to lead?”

The twins looked at each other, you could almost tell they were communicating silently when Nazan spoke up, “He got us through, his decisions helped our unit become one of the best in Valo-Kas. We are with him no matter where he is assigned, Boss.” Ozenet nodded her head in agreement as her brother finished speaking. (Let me tell you I was in shock, both of them had a ton more experience than I did.)

“Good because you two just got assigned as bodyguards for my new second, Samrin was killed in a tavern fight just two nights ago.” He paused letting out a long suffering sigh. “ Let's get back to Val Royeaux.”

To say I was in shock is something of an understatement. Now I know there is a target painted on my back! Shite!

Well... Chrissy? Can you still see me wherever you are? I hope you know how much I miss you and that, for the most part, I'm doing okay. I still miss you loads, Chrissy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone uses Discord and would like to chat with me. About any of my stories either here on AO3 or FanFiction(.)net please join the Writer's Link!
> 
> https://discord.gg/pb3uf3h


	4. Journal Entry 4 & 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with being 16 AND female on the inside. Thoughts of family and almost family… trying to be what she appears to be, even when it feels wrong...

Journal Entry 4:  (Thadosian Date: The Next Day)

I know that the offer of being Shokrakar’s second was a good one. Yet something niggled at me.   I had this gut feeling that I was meant to be somewhere else. That I had another job to do. But of course explaining that to Shokrakar was not going to be easy. The man had this way about him that suggested the wise person would not turn down such an offer.  I asked him to give me time to think about it, sighting my relative inexperience compared to some who had been with the Valo-Kas from the formation of the mercenary group. I really did not want to step on anyone’s toes or cause unnecessary friction within the group.  

I have a feeling some of the other mercenaries often laughed at me, quite a lot actually. I would over hear them saying things like, ‘He squeals like a girl when he’s surprised!’ or ‘Only girls are squeamish about stuff like that.’ Or they would outright say to me, ‘Are you sure your not a girl child?’ with laughter in their voices. They really have no idea how difficult it is to act like a self confident male when inside you are really nothing more than a frightened teenaged girl who has experienced more abuse than kindness in her life.

So yeah it is totally strange to know your physical form is male, yet your spirit and how you think of yourself is as a 16 year old female, well I should be almost 17 now all things considered. Still not an adult by any means! There are days I think I'm going crazy, though I have a feeling Chrissy would understand… If only she were here right now... 

I’ve become close to Nazan and Ozenet. Especially after the shit-storm we survived in the Exalted Plains and the return trip to Val Royeaux. They have becoming like family to me. The brother and sister I never had, though... I do have to keep reminding myself that they should be counted as family.... Like siblings...

Being a girl in my head means that I find it very difficult to see Ozenet as a potential mate. I’m heterosexual not homosexual, that is the difficult part. Who I am inside is still female, which means I’m still attracted to males, despite what my father and his friend may have done to me.. Which of course **_here_** makes me appear homosexual, because let's face it, this body is **_SO_** male. You have no idea how much I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but I’m terrified that if anyone from Thedas were to find out the real truth, I’d be killed out of hand as some kind of abomination, even though I’m fairly certain I am _NOT_ a mage, at least I pray I’m not a mage...

With that being said, I am so attracted to Nazan, though I do know he is attracted to females, because of this I often glance down at my utterly male body and sigh. Whereas Ozenet is making it very clear she is attracted to me. I really have no idea how to gently turn her down as I  have never truly dealt with matters of the heart before (remember I’m really 16 on the inside despite looking like I’m in my late 20s to early 30s.). Of course my Father was against me dating or even having friends… So yeah  **_NO_ ** experience whatsoever!

I really need to figure out how to let her down gently and still keep our friendship and working relationship intact.  I’m really missing my big sister, Chrissy. She had a knack for making me feel wanted, and for giving me just the advice I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.  She really reminded me of my Mother. There were times after she died that I had wished she would have been able to adopt me. Instead of what really happened, my Father killing her. 

I was ever so thankful she had been assigned to be my big sister when I entered the big brother/big sister program. At Grandfather's insistence. The old man basically blackmailed then bribed my Father with first threatening to tell the authorities that he (my Father) was abusing me. THEN offering to make the house payments  **and** pay the utilities on the house we were living in... Of course on the condition Father let me join the Big Sister program. At that time I was 13, and we had just moved to Virginia.

I could never really bring myself to tell Chrissy what my father and his friend did to me all the time. Yet she always seemed to know something was wrong, even though I was fairly certain I had my mask in place, but when someone really cares, I found it difficult to hide my true feelings. I was always grateful that Chrissy never pressed me for answers, I was unsure what would have happened if I had spoken up. Who knows maybe she would still be alive, taking care of her little girl.

Somehow Chrissy seemed to realize I was terrified and that it had to do with my home life. I’ve begun to suspect that Chrissy had started  to ask questions of my Grandfather, perhaps whatever Grandfather told her, convinced her that she needed to try to gain custody of me. Whatever the case it resulted in her death and my old journal back on Earth resulted in my apparent death, though how I ended up in Thedas, trapped in the body of a male Kossith and outside Val Royeaux… That I can not explain.

Lord! I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again! I wish Chrissy were here for me to talk to! For now I just pretend not to notice Ozenet’s interest in this... meat suit (for lack of a better term)... that I’m wearing.

Well Shit (hehe love my inner Varric!), there is no rest for the wicked I guess. Shokrakar is urgently calling and IF I don’t go now someone’s head might just roll... I’ll pick this up later…

 

Journal Entry 5: (3 Days Later)

Okay I didn’t get back as quick as I would have liked, but I now know exactly where I am in the timeline of DA Inquisition. It seems that while I was fighting in the Exalted Plains the Conclave took place, the explosion there snuffing out many lives. A human male from the Trevelyan noble family of Ostwick, has been dubbed the Herald of Andraste, and the Inquisition has been reborn. Not to mention the fact that the Inquisition has not only begun stabilizing the Hinterlands. They have also paid a visit to Val Royeaux, to talk to the surviving Chantry Clerics.

I almost wish I’d been in Val Royeaux when the Inquisition came for their talk with the Chantry, I could possibly have joined them! Oh well, for now I have more than enough work in front of me with the Valo-Kas Mercenaries. I’ve also made my decision regarding Shokrakar’s offer of becoming his second. He was not happy that I declined the offer, I sighted the fact that I am the newest member of the mercenary company and that there were many other’s with much more signority who deserved that exalted position at his side. 

My decision really pissed Shokrakar off. I don’t think anyone has ever declined such an offer before. However I really was not comfortable taking it, as I was certain that I would be leaving the Valo-Kas all too soon.  When I told Shokrakar that I planned to join the Inquisition at a later date he seemed to relax and accept my decision. Of course there were members of the company who saw my declining the position as a slight to not only Shokrakar but to the other Vals-Kas members. Again with the target on my back… Despite all that the Adaar twins, Nazan and Ozenet, have stayed by my side supporting me. Not to mention the fact they have been with the Valo-Kas much longer than I have. The rest of the group finally stopped grumbling, seeing that they continued to support me, the upstart. I was glad because the friction in the ranks became much less and the other’s began to see my contributions to the Valo-Kas, little though they were.

Shokrakar did tell me that the reason he wanted me as his second was my ability to assess the terrain and use the troops I had to their best advantage. I guess he considered me a brilliant tactician. Never would have dreamed tactics learned playing video games would come in handy in a real world sort of situation though. Take that all you idiots that preach video games rot the brain!

We’ll be heading out to the Exalted Plains again.  Sometimes I hate Adulting! I should be back home playing with dolls, collecting Breyer horses and drawing! Not here in  _ this _ body, fighting a war that I really don’t agree with at all!  Both Celene and Gaspard need to take chill pills and make up already! Too many lives, of good people, have already been cut short to boost their egos!

By the way journal, I really miss my cabbage patch doll, Wendy Anne. Grandfather gave her to me and I named her after my Mother, she even had long black hair (like me) and green eyes! Also my collection of Breyer horses, most also gifts from Grandfather. Though I suppose I could take up drawing in again. Maybe even adding a few sketches to you, journal, I guess.

(Filling the bottom half of the page you see a drawing of a doll with yarn hair leaning against a statue of a horse. Below the drawing is a short inscription. Wendy Anne and Woodland Scout.)

One other thing, my dreams have been getting weird or I guess I should say I’ve started remembering them. Like in great detail… God, Maker, Creators. Whoever might be listening! Please help me! I really really don’t want to be a mage too! I know what they do to mages here… especially the Qunari… If I am a mage and I meet Iron Bull, what the hell will he try to do to me?! And heaven help me if whoever becomes Inquisitor ends up going after the Templars for help… Well I can say with certain conviction that.. ‘I’m screwed!” They will either put me into a Circle or maybe make me Tranquil. Haven’t I been through enough shit in this crazy mixed up life of mine!? 

Anyway my dreams... I’ve been seeing some scary assed shit. I mean my dreams are mixing home and Thedas very convincingly too I might add. I think I may have destroyed a demon in one of my dreams, you see…

I dreamed of my Father and in the dream he was ecstatic to see I was transformed into a  male. He was so excited that he had to tell me how proud he was of me! Yeah right! Even in my dream I looked like a Qunari! There is no way Father would have been happy with that! 

I’m pretty sure that it/father had been a Desire Demon. Perhaps it thought, because of that ‘once upon a time’ wish of mine, that I would be overjoyed to have my Father accept my new form. However even in a dream I knew the truth of my Father better than some Desire Demon who had picked a few stray memories out of my head!  My Father could not accept me before, he would never accept me as I am now either. In that dream Father/the Desire Demon became angry when I did not accept him with open arms and I found myself fighting my Father once again only the difference was night and day. Where back on Earth I had been this tiny girl, here in Thedas I stood quite a bit taller than my 6’4” Father. I didn’t stop and think, I acted and my ‘Father’ died by my hands… Though I was using my Maul I had named Beau, after my nickname back on Earth.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so upset by a dream before. That one has stayed with me for a very long time and is the primary reason I worry about possibly being a mage on top of everything else I’m dealing with!  Again, whoever is listening… Could you please cut a girl some slack???

So here is to hoping my dreams are quiet tonight. Chrissy I miss you… May you know more peace than I know right now. Maybe someday we can meet again… In another lifetime… perhaps...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well folks, that’s it. I have finished rewriting everything I had posted in the work, “Shadow’s Blight’. If you would like to compare the two works, 'Shadow's Blight' will remain up until April 1st, 2018. I hope you have enjoyed the rewrite. Anything I post after today will be all new content. I hope you will continue to read this story. Thank you for the Subscriptions, Kudos and comments. Each and everyone of them encourages me to keep writing!


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